Affairs in the Christian Community

Written by Martez Layton, Marriage / Relationship Coach, CPC

            I have been in the Christian community all of my life, but I cannot remember one time hearing someone teach on affairs.  I remember hearing about preachers cheating, the deacon cheating but never hearing or seeing this issue being dealt with in an educational or informational manner.  It is almost as if when you have an affair the church is going to crucify you to the cross.  I know what I am speaking of because I kept my affair hidden for 13 years.  During this time I was teaching, preaching and encouraging men to be faithful to their wives.  I was a young Christian minister, with a great family, who loved God, but also had messed up.  I did not want to tell my wife because I knew or assumed she would leave me.  I did not want to tell my Pastor because I felt like he would excommunicate me and label me the cheater and the adulterer.

            The truth is, although I had prayed to God for forgiveness and knew that He forgave me, I was more afraid of what people would say about me.  The church is a place of emotional healing not emotional killing.  It is really amazing to me how as Christians we can confess to God what we have done and walk away with a smile.  But when we confess to the Christian community our wrongs we walk with our heads down.  The bible clearly states that Jesus did not come into the world to condemn the world.  Condemnation is not of God and it should not be apart of the church.  The truth is the more we cause men and women to hide their sins in the church the more the divorce rate is going to continue to rise and the more affairs are going to keep happening in the pews. 

            The church was designed to be a place of safe exposure because we all have sinned.  Please do not get me wrong, you cannot just wake up on your own and say today is my day of exposure, you need support.  I am not suggesting that you call your Pastor immediately and say I had an affair.  I have been through so much church hurt, I truly understand you need to expose the truth, but it is also vitally important to have the right support group with you.  I remember as a child there were no such positions in a church like finance coach, marriage coach, marriage counselor, health coach it was assumed the Pastor was trained in all areas and knew all things.  Now in today’s Christian community you have trained professionals that specialize in these particular areas.  So, please make sure you have an emotional safety net in place prior to exposing yourself.

            I believe within my heart if the church begins to deal with and expose affairs this would begin to change the very fiber of marriage consciousness all over our country.  Many people say to themselves, if the church is filled with people that do not value or respect their marriage or their God, then why should I.  My experience has taught me that there are not only cheating husbands, but there are also cheating wives in the pew.  This is the reason that my wife and I have committed to take this stand of courage.  We are willing to fully expose our affairs that others may gain confidence and strength to become healed in their marriage.  The Christian community needs to take the leading role in setting the example of Godly forgiveness.  I believe as this takes place you will see the divorce rate decrease.